2013-12-19 / Sandy Days, Salty Nights

Making a (naughty) list and checking it twice

For some of us, the sparkle has already gone out of the holiday season. The tinsel has clogged up the vacuum cleaner and the mistletoe jokes are all falling flat. I might slap someone if I hear one more rendition of “Jingle Bells.”

Can we please get to New Year’s already?

Mired in this unfortunate state of bah-humbuggedness, I decided my festive spirit just lacked inspiration. What could spice up the dull countdown to Christmas?

Naughty gifts, of course.

Luckily I know someone who’s a professional in this area. My friend Kathy Kulig writes erotic novels for a living, and thankfully she knew exactly what I needed to add to my holiday shopping list. Here are some of my favorites, which you might want to add to yours.

¦ Mrs. Kulig started by suggesting sensual massage oils, shower gels and bubble bath. They smell luscious, and they imply all kinds of lascivious activities. While on first blush these might seem like women-only gifts, if you’ve ever lived with a man you know he’s tthe first to steal all the good-smelling bbath mbba products. And I’ve never met a man who would turn down a bubble bath. Mrs. Kulig recommended combining these gifts with a bottle of wine and a few candles for a romantic gift bbasket that would look decadent under the tree.

¦ If you want to ratchet the sexy gift giving up a notch, try exchanging sensual clothing. Mrs. Kulig said lingerie of all kinds works well for women, not to mention stockings of every kinky sort, from fishnets to thigh-highs. Silk boxers make sexy and classy gifts for men, she added.

¦ For the more daring on your list, try a selection of erotic books. These might include Mrs. Kulig’s own “Summer Sins” and “Spring Break,” as well as titles by authors Cris Anson, Desiree Holt and Joey W. Hill. If these books and their steamy story lines feel a little too risqué, try a leather-bound edition of “Lady Chatterley’s Lover.” It’s got sex and fine literature.

¦ As long as we’re shopping in the naughty aisle, we might as well consider seductive movies. Mrs. Kulig suggested films that are sexy and sensual without being pornographic. Among her favorites” “Wild Orchid,” “Lolita,” “Eyes Wide Shut” and “Ghost.” Not exactly what you’d find in the 18-andup aisle of the video store, but still not suitable for family viewing. And isn’t that the point?

Of course, this is all relatively chaste.

¦ If you really want to go wild this holiday season, Mrs. Kulig recommends a trip to the local adult store. There you’ll find straps, blindfolds and other items I would name if I weren’t already blushing. Better to browse the aisles yourself and see what titillates.

¦ Finally, Mrs. Kulig told me about the absolute best gift she’s ever given her sweetie — a surprise trip to the Baseball Hall of Fame. I had to laugh. It was the least kinky of all her suggestions and still it was perfect. Maybe all we really need this holiday season is more time with the people we love. And a naughty book or two. ¦

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